Preemptive Outrage Over the Bryce Harper Signing

Published February 2, 2019

The “holiday” of Groundhog Day used to just be a silly tradition whereby a rodent determined how long winter would last based on whether or not it saw its shadow. But of course, all of that changed with the release of the 1993 Bill Murray film Groundhog Day, in which a weatherman who is sent to cover that day’s festivities finds himself in some cosmic loop, a repeating hell that only he is aware of while everyone around him unknowingly duplicates the same behavior day after day.

And so, whenever “Groundhog Day” is referenced now, all that anyone thinks about is the film of that name and the themes of déjà vu and the repetitive nature of life that it evokes.

And so, whenever “Groundhog Day” is referenced now, all that anyone thinks about is the film of that name and the themes of déjà vu and the repetitive nature of life that it evokes.

(Brief pause as I present the thin premise of this article).

I don’t know about you, but when I think about the same thing repeating day after day, Philadelphia sports immediately come to mind. Here now is a comprehensive (but in no way complete) list of the most “Groundhog Day” things about Philadelphia sports over the past quarter-century.

Philadelphia sports radio ruins your morning by getting you all riled up about something stupid

Look, I know they have to pander to the lowest common denominator by trying to drum up controversies and espousing fake opinions to keep the listeners interested, but sometimes I feel like I’d rather wake up to “I Got You Babe” on my radio every day for all eternity than having to hear someone complain about Joe Buck or Tony Romo or whoever for the millionth time. Also, how many times can you have a contest about “Who do we hate the most”?

Wentz vs. Foles (and their subsequent support groups against each other)

Honestly, the cathartic outlet of Philadelphia sports radio should have just stopped after the Eagles won the Super Bowl. There was no reason for it to exist anymore. But, since it didn’t, the Wentz vs. Foles debate became the most mind-numbing thing to come out of the Birds’ follow-up season. Hosts and callers alike have been declaring their preference for months, and then making the same exact points to back up their ideas every single day since. Once in a while, some genius thinks they are approaching the whole debate in a different way, but it turns out they’ve simply not been paying attention during the 700 previous times that someone made those same exact points. I don’t know who is worse: them for doing and saying literally the same thing every day for months, or me for still listening to it and thinking I’ll hear something new eventually.

Flyers goaltending crushes your soul

Hey, we have Carter Hart now, so this no longer applies! I hope. But from John Vanbiesbrouck to Jeff Hackett to Ilya Bryzgalov to Steve Mason and on and on, the team has lacked any stability at the position for almost my entire life. But maybe, like Phil Connors in the film (spoiler alert!), we’ve finally extricated ourselves from this with the emergence of Hart. Could it finally be February 3 in the Flyers’ crease?

Sixers, injuries, ineptitude, repeat

Even in the midst of a solid season marked by the stellar play of Joel Embiid, I can never shake the feeling of how much of a joke of a franchise the Sixers have been, seemingly for a long time. From coaches that stick around for less than a season to signing injured guys who never end up playing for the team, it’s been a wild ride. Then, just when we think they’ve turned a corner, their first overall pick from last season develops a mental block that turns into a made-up injury AND their GM resigns after his wife (or so he claims) sends some tweets containing disparaging remarks about the team. What. A. Cluster.

This Bryce Harper talk…

Any day now would be nice. We get it, sportswriters feel the need to put something out there. They have to earn their pay somehow. But you’re really just wasting all of our time if you don’t have anything for us. First, the Phillies were shoo-ins for Harper’s services. Then they weren’t. Then it was all but a done deal. Then, other teams jumped back into the fray. Who even cares at this point? This applies to a lesser degree with Manny Machado aka Johnny Hustle. It’s been more annoying than Needlenose Ned Reyerson.

Play for the Flyers, get a job

The team’s “good old boys” network has been a running joke for a long time, but that doesn’t mean it’s not without merit. Once a Flyer, always a Flyer, especially while Ed Snider was running the show. That means you…Bill Barber, Ian Laperriere, Gord Murphy, Paul Holmgren, Craig Berube, Ron Hextall and on and on, extending down to the Phantoms even with the likes of Kjell Samuelsson, Riley Cote, etc. Ironically, the Flyers looked to finally be breaking out of this mold four years ago with the hiring of Dave Hakstol as head coach. Uh…maybe just stick with the good old boys, I guess.

Andy Reid’s “gotta do a better job”

“Big Red” would always start off with the injuries, and then it was on to the mea culpas after every loss, a maddening display that did nothing. And it’d be one thing if he truly meant it, but over the years I think we all kind of figured out that it was code for “I’m saying it’s my fault, but it’s really somebody else’s”. It was truly an odd 14-year journey with Andy, who came sooooo close to being immortalized in Philadelphia sports history, but merely goes down as the big man who couldn’t win the big one. It’s at least a little comforting to see that he’s continuing the trend in Kansas City. Andy, time’s yours.

The media hates Philly fans

Did you know that Philadelphia fans threw snowball at Santa Claus and Cowboys coach Jimmy Johnson? And batteries at JD Drew? And shot off a flare gun, punched a police horse and cheered a career-ending neck injury to Michael Irvin? And that things got so bad at Eagles games that they put a prison in the basement of Veterans Stadium? Well, if you’ve ever watched three minutes of a national broadcast involving a Philadelphia team, you’ve heard all of this. And it’s presented in a fashion that would lead you to believe that all of these things happened within a week of each other and were done by every fan in town. GIVE IT A REST! I swear, sometimes they’re just reaching for material. Like making some “Groundhog Day” list.

Come back tomorrow when I repost this same article.

Published March 15, 2019

March 17 is, of course, St. Patrick’s Day, and people mark the occasion by drinking themselves silly as they wear green. It’s great. And since it falls on a Sunday this year, you just know that people are going to make a whole weekend out of it.

So before anybody passes out in a puddle of green goo, let’s take a look at some of the Pats and Patricks that have made an impact in Philly sports these last few decades. I’m not gonna lie…I thought there would be a lot more on here. But even with these slim pickings, we can have some fun.

From the worst and/or least consequential Pats (the sinners) all the way up to the ones who deserve our thanks and appreciation for what they’ve done (the saints), here we go…

Patrick Thoresen

This guy played a combined 35 regular season and playoff games with the Flyers in 2008. He had more massive scrotal hematomas (one) than goals scored (zero), as he took a slapshot right to the groin from the Capitals’ Mike Green in the first round of the playoffs that year. And that’s the only reason I even mention him here.

Pat Falloon

Once called “Fat Balloon” for his supposed lack of conditioning, Falloon totaled 83 points in 144 games as a Flyer. Undoubtedly, his career highlight with the team actually came on St. Patrick’s Day in 1996, when he scored two goals in a win over the Sharks. I was at the game and started a “We want Pat!” chant late in the game in an effort to inspire him into netting a hat trick (which John LeClair had actually already accomplished in that game), but it wasn’t meant to be.

Patrick Sharp

Yes, another Flyer. The Flyers gave up on a 24-year old Sharp in 2005 after he netted just 15 points over 66 games with the team, trading him to Chicago for a bag of crap. Sharp would go on to score 30 goals on four occasions during his career and win three Stanley Cups with the Blackhawks. Smooth move.

Pat Shurmur

Shurmur has been around seemingly forever in football circles, first coming to the Eagles as a tight end and offensive line coach in 1999. He became QB coach in 2002, sticking with the Birds until 2008. In 2013, he returned as offensive coordinator under Chip Kelly. When Kelly was fired with one game left in the team’s trainwreck of a 2015 season, Shurmur stepped in as head coach for the final game, which he won for no good reason, only serving to hurt the team’s draft position. He went to the Vikings for a few seasons after that, and is now set to serve his second season as head coach of the Giants. Yes, those Giants with the 38-year old quarterback and who just traded their star receiver. Pray for him.

Nolan Patrick

The only surname of Patrick in Philadelphia sports history that my research yielded, young Nolan is making strides in his second NHL season with the Flyers. He’s only 20 years old, so there is seemingly plenty of time for him to fill out. But he was the second overall pick of the 2017 draft, and so the team needs him to show that he can be at least a capable second-line center. Next year would be a good time to do that. With flashes of brilliance mixed in among long stretches of inconsistency so far in his 130+ NHL games, Patrick clearly has the ability. But this is the Flyers, so he’ll probably only turn into a star after he goes somewhere else.

Pat Croce

From starting as a physical therapist with the Flyers in the 1980’s through his presidency with the Sixers from 1996-2001, Croce has had a successful and extremely interesting career. He is best remembered for his unwavering enthusiasm and also getting extremely pumped when the Sixers won the 1996 NBA draft lottery that would allow them to take Allen Iverson first overall. But after the 76ers came up short in the 2001 Finals against the Lakers, Croce resigned after basically losing a power struggle with Ed Snider. Big mistake, Pat. After sports, Croce went on to commentate for the Olympics, host a self-help talk show, finance an expedition to locate a shipwreck and open a pirate museum in Florida. This guy was, and still is, all over the place.

Pat Gillick

A brilliant baseball executive who is rightfully enshrined in Cooperstown for his efforts, Gillick had tremendous success with the Blue Jays in the late 1980’s/early ‘90’s. His strategy of “bring in a bunch of future Hall of Famers while they win back-to-back World Series” paid off, as a Toronto team full of future Hall of Famers won back-to-back World Series. What a stroke of GM genius. Also, it helps when Mitch Williams grooves one right down the middle to Joe Carter. But I digress. Gillick had successful stints in Baltimore and Seattle after that, though he couldn’t add another title to his ledger. But that all changed when he came to Philadelphia in 2005, replacing the dearly departed Ed Wade. One might say that the pieces were already there and that the Phillies were destined to win a World Series no matter who was at the helm. But Gillick’s steadying influence and shrewd moves played a large part in the team’s 2008 victory. The only bad thing that came of that was that Gillick then retired and handed the reins over to Ruben Amaro Jr. Well, at least we got one, right?

Pat Burrell

The slugging Phillies outfielder did some good work with the stick over the years. Pause here for comedic effect. And though one could argue that ultimately he did not provide enough to the Phillies for being a first overall pick, he did end up placing 4th all-time in home runs and 10th all-time in RBI for a franchise that’s been around for over 100 years. So, nothing to sneeze at there. Burrell was divisive while he was here, but it was clear that he squeezed every bit out of his ability that he could. And we’ll always have that image of him leading the parade down Broad Street as the senior member of the team. We’ll also always have this.

Pat Williams

The 76ers GM had a near-unparalleled run of success as he guided the team from 1974-1986, although it regrettably ended in only one NBA title for the team. Still, a look at the moves he made over the years…oh man. The guy purchased Julius Erving to bring him to the NBA, hired Billy Cunningham as head coach, drafted Maurice Cheeks and Charles Barkley and traded for Moses Malone. Today, Williams remains in a senior advisory role for the Orlando Magic and is a highly regarded motivational speaker. I feel motivated just going down his list of accomplishments.

And now, hopefully all of these Patricks have motivated you to not be completely stupid this St. Patrick’s Day.

Slainte.

Published March 9, 2019

I must confess that I still don’t fully understand the NFL. Everything just moves so fast.

Maybe it’s just the nature of the game, but guys go from top players to has-beens faster than you can say “career-altering knee injury”. Players switch teams at seemingly breakneck speed. Good teams crumble (except the Patriots). Bad teams rise up out of nowhere to challenge for a title, and then often go right back to where they were.

In the other professional leagues, there is an ebb and a flow that the NFL is just simply missing. Maybe it’s due to the fact that football’s short schedule and the ridiculous amount of money involved mean that teams can’t be shy about making moves. Act or fall behind. And this week, the Eagles sure saw a lot of that action.

A week ago, word came out that long-time Bird Brandon Graham was coming back, signing a new 3-year contract with the only NFL he has ever known. It came out of nowhere. For months, it was assumed that Graham was done as an Eagle, something that was only hammered home further when Graham quite classily said goodbye to all of the reporters in the locker room at the end of the Eagles’ season.

But no, there is another chapter to be written in his story in Philadelphia. Would the Eagles have even entertained such a move if Graham hadn’t made the most important defensive play in team history? Probably not. But he did, and he continues to play at a high level, and so the Eagles chose familiarity. They know what they are getting with Graham, a guy who has seen it all so far, having played three seasons each under three different coaches so far in his NFL career. Hopefully, both sides (and the fans) will be happy with the arrangement for the life of the contract.

The busy week continued for the Eagles when it was announced that Nick Foles would be going to the Jaguars. Maybe. Honestly, I don’t fully believe anything I hear during this period where things aren’t official per NFL rules as we await the start of the league’s fiscal year in a couple days.

So, Philadelphia said a tearful sort-of-goodbye to its lone Super Bowl MVP this week. Nick, we’ll see you when you’re back in town with the Jaguars. Again, maybe. Who knows what will end up actually going down. We all knew this was coming, but it just feels bizarre to be happening in such a way.

Then, on Friday, defensive end Michael Bennett said in the morning that he would not take a pay cut from the Eagles, instead expecting a raise. Mere hours later, he was a Bird no more, traded to the Patriots supposedly. And so Bennett will take his severe lack of shoulder pads to New England, where he’ll be hoping for a happy ending with that club.

But one has to wonder: why would the Eagles, or anyone, even bother to trade with the Patriots? Seriously, just freeze those guys out. Let them exist on an island, don’t do anything to give them any potential help, and hope they finally roll over and die.

This trade is especially curious as it’s just New England’s 5th-round pick in 2020 in exchange for Bennett and the Eagles’ 7th-round pick that year. I get that the Eagles didn’t want to pay Bennett, but he’s only worth a two-round upgrade in the draft? I guess I know even less about the NFL than I thought.

And now, we find ourselves very close to the free agency period. Things are sure to get crazy around here really soon. I would make predictions about who the Eagles are going to sign, but again, I know nothing.

And that’s just the way the NFL wants it. Keep ‘em guessing. After this week with the Eagles, I sure am.

Published March 1, 2019

Christmas came early for Phillies fans yesterday in the form of Bryce Harper, completing the team’s overwhelming offseason makeover.

So let’s figure out how things will look once the games actually start to count, with the caveat that wild card manager Gabe Kapler could just do some straight-up weird stuff.

First, the offense…

Harper will obviously be a fixture in right field, and even Gabe’s analytics can’t keep him out of a lineup spot every day. Unfortunately, this means that Nick Williams is probably out of a job. I’m thinking that the Phillies use him as a fourth outfielder/pinch hitter for a few months this year to try and showcase him, hopefully then flipping him for pitching help at some point during the year.

Williams is a nice hitter and can help a lot of teams, but he obviously doesn’t have a spot here anymore. If he had more of an ability to play center and/or Odubel Herrera didn’t have three more years left on his contract, then maybe keeping Williams would be a viable option. And who knows, maybe Herrera ends up being the one the move. But probably not.

Meanwhile, Andrew McCutchen will presumably play left field, although it’s the outfield position where he has the least experience in his career. Oh well, I’m sure he’ll deal with it. As for the infield, we know that ¾ of it is set with Hoskins, Segura and Franco. Good for Maikel for surviving the offseason, by the way. I’m personally fine with him still being over at the hot corner. His glove is good, and he won’t be under pressure in the middle of the lineup anymore.

The one question mark in the infield is at second base, where the Phillies still have Cesar Hernandez as the presumptive starter. But they are so pot-committed to Scott Kingery that it really is not fair to the guy to just shuffle him around as a super-utility player in the hopes of getting him 100 or so starts and a reasonable amount of at bats. Hernandez is just average, and so he has no real trade value. But Kingery could be something special. He didn’t look the part last year, but he has such a better offensive cast around him in 2019 that it’s time to let him sink or swim with an everyday spot in the lineup.

Hopefully JT Realmuto can start 120 games or so, because I still think that Andrew Knapp stinks as a backup. So let’s just hope that JT stays healthy. I’d personally be happier with Drew Butera or one of the non-roster invitees in camp. But this isn’t too big of a deal.

Crazy as it sounds with all the change this offseason, the Phillies will send out the same exact rotation this season as they had for most of last year. And that of course means that Aaron Nola will headline, just as he hopefully will for the next decade or so. But the concern is after that, as Jake Arrieta is more of a #3 at this point of his career. 

Nick Pivetta, who is getting a lot of love from the analytic and fantasy communities, might be a very good #3 as soon as this year. Meanwhile, Zach Eflin and Vince Velasquez probably top out at #4s. Dallas Keuchel would have been a perfect addition to this staff as a legitimate #2 (and only lefthander), but we can’t have everything. Again, best guess is that the Phillies will shop for pitching help at some point during the season. And hopefully the staff can remain as healthy as they did last year.

Bullpens are the most volatile part of a baseball team, so I’m not even going to guess what the final construction of it will be at such an early juncture. But suffice it to say that the Phillies’ bullpen should be pretty good thanks to the addition of David Robertson and another year of Seranthony Dominguez. Just like any year, there will be surprises (both good and bad), but overall it looks solid.

I have no idea how madman Gabe will build his everyday lineup, but here’s how I would do it…

SS Segura

C Realmuto

RF Harper

1B Hoskins

LF McCutchen

CF Herrera

3B Franco

2B Kingery

P Nola (yes, I want Nola in the lineup every day!)

Also, Gabe needs to not pull the “pitcher batting eighth” garbage. I hate that.

I think that I could see flipping Realmuto and McCutchen’s spots because of McCutchen’s on-base abilities, which are still solid even on the backside of his career. But, on the flip side, he could help set the table for the likes of Franco and Kingery if he’s used in the 5-spot.

Segura isn’t a total burner, but I think he’s the only one who really makes sense in the leadoff spot as the team’s best speed threat. And I think that Harper has to bat third, both to break up the righthanders in the 2-and-4 holes and also to give him some extra at bats over the course of the season as opposed to if he hit fourth. As for the cleanup spot, Hoskins all the way. Mark down 110 RBI right now.

I’d be fine with Franco and Herrera flipping as well, but putting Odubel sixth avoids having three straight righties. Anyway, Gabe has options. Hopefully he doesn’t tinker too much. As for reserves, Aaron Altherr is probably hanging by a thread, only potentially keeping a roster spot because Roman Quinn can’t stay healthy. Maybe Dylan Cozens forces his way into a spot due to a Williams trade/Quinn injury/etc. as well. That would be a good development. The reserve infielders should be Hernandez (until such time that the Phils can unload him) and Sean Rodriguez, who can shuttle all over the field. But maybe they go with the uninspiring Mitch Walding. 

Final thought, and a way too early prediction…

In 2019, the Phillies will go 94-68 and win the National League East. They’ll win their first round playoff series before losing to the Brewers in the NLCS. But 2020 will be their year.